I didn't realize it had been so long since my last post. I wish I could say it was because we are having so much fun, but not really. Bryan did change chemo plans and in a lot of ways, it has been much better. I guess if it is possible to say being on any kind of chemo is better. He hasn't had as many side effect, well side effects that were as noticeable. Fatigue is still a big side effect. He doesn't really like to think it is that. He will say, "I don't understand why I am so tired" and I will give him a look like REALLY!! He is hungry and craves sweets which is different for him. But the taste in his mouth and the way his tongue feels makes eating not that much fun. He continues to work, although some days are really more than he can manage. Getting to work by 9:00 a.m. is hard, and some days he is ready to be home by lunch. But he continues to press through it. He has decided that 9 holes of golf is really enough right now. But if you ask him to go 18 he will. He still has some pride on the course. His last treatment should end on Aug 23. Happy Day. We will celebrate and take a nap. What then, that is still the question. We'll keep you all posted when we find out.

Just keep fighting.

Here I sit. Back in the Same Day Surgery room. Bryan is having his port taken out today. That should be an exciting day. It is in some ways. But I wish that meant that the chemo treatments were done. Not so. After the 4th treatment, he decided he had had enough of that. The numbness, the cold/hot sensitivity, the long day in the chemo room just got to much. If someone could tell us that this was really making a difference, it might be easier to do. So 3 weeks ago, after a chemo treatment that sent his blood into another tail spin, (platelets were back up to 123,000, but his white blood cells were 1.1) Bryan decided he had had enough. He was tired of the side effects and the many doctors appointments and the unknown effects (maybe permanent). So we went in and talked to the doctor. This was probably the first visit where we felt like anyone listened to us. As Bryan described the side effects that are present and continuing to get worse. Surprisingly enough, the doctor just listened and then said. I had no idea all of that was going on. Most of that you don't share with anyone. I can understand why you feel this way. He told us we had 3 options. 1st - stay on the treatment we are on, 2nd go back to the oral chemo and 3rd - ride off in to the sunset and forget about it all. The doctor said at this point, he probably would ride off into the sunset. That would be tempting. He told us that although rectal cancer is considered the same as colon cancer, there really aren't enough studies to show how all of this effects rectal cancer. Somehow I think about Let's make a Deal (the game show of old) when I hear all of these options. Door 3 would be the grand prize. Hopefully, we will still get that prize. But for right now, we choose door/option 2. We really want to be smart with all of this, but he still has to live and remain in a positive state. So for now, the oral treatment seems the best for us. He takes chemo for 2 weeks on and 1 week off, for the rest of the summer. At that point, we hope to be done with the chemo. But who knows, lets just get us to that point. Bryan does really well, that is for all he his doing. He is a very positive person and continues to fight each day. Some days are harder than others. But he is a fighter and doesn't give up. For all of that, we love him.

Treatment 3

Last week Bryan had treatment number 3. His blood results were what we expected. His platelets dropped to 140,000. That is a drop of 69,000. His white blood and red blood cells had dropped. At that rate, treatment number 4 will not be happening on schedule, if at all. We know that the blood cells are being destroyed, but at what cost. The neuropathy is getting worse. The doctor decided to cut back to an 80% dose because of all the side effects he is having. The fatigue seems to get worse everyday. His bowels are in a fight all the time. Which causes his stoma to be painful and hurt. Because he is such a positive person, he doesn't complain. But I watch him move. I watch the color drain from his face and he is exhausted. He is even to tired to play golf sometimes and that speaks louder than any words.

Things that matter!

As the roller coaster of life continues, I sat at BYU's graduation Friday afternoon reflecting on things. Friday marked a great day in my life. Ashley's husband Michael graduated from college making it the last of my children to graduate, All 4 of our children have graduated from college. All 4 of their spouses have graduated from college. Pretty amazing especially when you consider that Neither Bryan nor I graduated. That is something I felt was important. Sometimes my kids thought I was crazy, but I saw it as a stepping stone for they future. That matters. Friday was also our Wedding Anniversary of 33 years, We have weathered many storms and survived 33 years together. That matters. We have 4 children that have married 4 remarkable people. They were all married in the temple and they are all have testimonies of the gospel. That matters. All 4 of our children like being together. They get along and love each other. As many of you witnessed at the benefit that gave for Bryan, they are talented people. They all come together for a cause and made magical things happen. They were proof that they could do anything together. That matters. All 4 of our children have jobs, and are raising great children, which gives back to the community. That matters. Bryan and I lay in bed last night reflecting on the past 33 years. We realized that we have all the important stuff. We have blessings others only dream about. That matters. So when it comes to little things like cancer, we will take that trial. Because we have the things that matter.

Always enjoy your life!

The last two weeks have been filled with different emotion. It is hard to think that we are putting Bryan through all of this--they say the cancer is gone right now--with a hope and a prayer that it won't come back. That is the catch 22 question. No one really knows if this will stop it from coming back. That is except the Lord.

The side effects are very noticeable. The numbness in his hands. Drinking cold drinks. The bowel changes. The fatigue. The red spots. The dryness in his skin and mouth. The fever blisters. After 2 treatments, nearly all that they told us could happen, has happened. If he has 10 more treatments, some of these things could be here to stay forever. James says he would rather live with his hands and feet numb and tingling for the rest of his life, than die. But we don't know if he will die. He might be one of the really blessed ones and not die - even if he doesn't have the chemo. Such a hard choice.

Tomorrow we start his 3 treatment. The next 5 days will really tell how much worse the side effects will be. Within hours, he will be able to tell if some of the side effects will intensify. We think they probably will.

We continue to be amazed and feel very blessed even with the constant cloud over our head and knot in our stomach. Life is still hectic and good. Bryan always has a smile on his face and a positive attitude. I asked him the other day how he did it and he said, "I just don't let the negative thoughts run through my brain."

Tomorrow is another count down day. We hope his platelets are not down more and that his blood stays high.

He played in a double header soft ball game tonight and came home exhausted and drained, but with a smile on his face, He said it just felt so good. I guess that is the only way to do all of this. Just continue to live life.

2 treatments down.

Bryan had his 2nd treatment this week. The side effects we much more intensified. This treatment was accompanied by the nausea the first night and lasted though the weekend. The hot and cold sensitivity was greatly intensified. His love for ice has disappeared. Room temperature is the new way to drink anything. He forgot and tried a glass of lemonade with ice in and it only took one drink before he asked the waiter to bring him a drink with out ice and asked him to warm it up a little in the microwave. Friday morning when it snowed, he had to have gloves on to be able to touch the steering wheel. By Friday night he was so exhausted he spent the evening and all day Saturday on the couch. He is feeling a little better today. He went to church and sang with the choir. He says the choir is therapy. At lease mentally I think it is.

His platelets dropped from 447,000 the week before the 2nd surgery, to 297,000 the week we started the 1st treatment. Then they dropped to 287,000 the week in between treatments. The day he started the 2nd treatment they were 209,000. I hope they level off some. I know that is still in the normal range, but that is a big drop in my eyes.

Gratitude-is that word enough.

Bryan has a saying that says,

"If ingratitude is numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues."

I have a hard time finding words that describe the experience we have had over the last 6 month, but gratitude is one of the emotions I feel.

I was amazing to see and feel all of the people at the medical benefit last Friday.  So many friends and family and associates that we work with.  Having an experience that isn't felt as often as it should be.  The mood was upbeat and fun.  Almost like just a neighborhood party.  Food, music, entertainment. My kids put on a great party.  For a few hours, the cloud that has been over our head seemed to fade away.  It didn't even matter that Bryan has been sick, or how much pain he had been in.  He was tired, but the mood and general feeling lifted him up.  He was in a state of shock, that there would be so many people come out to support him.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You to all that helped in any way to make that night one of the most meaningful nights of our life. You all have touched our lives in so many ways, and as the song goes--because of you, we have been changed for the better, we will never be the same.

I told Bryan, next time we think we want to do something on a Friday night, I am going to see if we can find a benefit to go to.  It doesn't really matter if we know them, it is just a feeling that uplifts your life.